Breaking News – Kevin Rudd to Run in US Presidential Race

USA Tomorrow, 31 October 2016

Washington is abuzz with the revelation that Kevin Rudd has offered himself as a compromise candidate in next week’s US presidential contest. 

One administration insider described the news as the breakthrough moment American voters had prayed for.

''With Kevin in the race, with the full backing of Botswana and the FBI, voters will feel so much better choosing between Clinton or Trump, knowing there’s now an even worse alternative."

Asked whether it was possible for a someone with Rudd’s background – failed national leader (x2), failed UN Secretary General candidate (x1), non-US citizen (ongoing), megalomaniac (ongoing), our source dismissed these as trifles.

"The point is that Kevin combines all the characteristics we loathe in Hillary and Donald. It’s no mean feat to make them look good but by God he’s done it.''

Mr Rudd was unavailable for interview. His spokeswoman said, ''I am authorised to say that Kev, a humble man of the people, is delighted to step up to the plate, put his shoulder to the wheel as the rubber hits the road and offer to serve the American electors in any capacity as their President with a fresh load of programmatic specificity''.    

The past is a different country – they washed up then

Every day, tens of thousands of people dump on America without saying a word. They open their mouths, it’s true.  But that is for the food consumed off polystyrene plates, often in bilious amounts, using plastic knives and forks, or for the cold or hot drinks guzzled from polystyrene cups.

There’s no more alarming way to see this than to drive across America, which we did a little while ago. In grand hotels and pit-stop motels polystyrene is king. And even though some forms of this ubiquitous, environmentally iniquitous, product are recyclable it mostly goes into the trash, destined for landfill.

The hotel and motel owners (and restaurateurs) of America need only take a peek at Trip Advisor or elsewhere on the Internet to sense the cry for change:

o   ‘Are you serious – polystyrene plates and plastic cutlery at breakfast?!’

o   ‘Polystyrene and plastic cutlery set the standard.’

o   ‘Everything in the dining room was disposable … Nothing cheapens a meal quite so much as using disposable plates and cutlery.’

Billy Connolly joined in the lament against ‘polystyrene plates and plastic cutlery’ writing of his road trip along the famous Route 66.

So what or who’s to blame? Is the food so bad it doesn’t matter what it’s served on? Have the dishwashers of America, threatened with deportation by Donald Trump, gone to ground? Does the fault lie more with Saudi Arabia? Battling Russia and Iran it’s pushed oil prices to record lows. Cheap oil equals cheaper plastic. Why clean up when you can throw away?

No matter how blame is apportioned it's a phenomenon that’s rubbishing America.      

  

Pauline Hanson: ‘Muslims to blame for climate change’

Following a break during the election campaign to ensure his interviews would remain non-partisan, Dr Sigmund Freud met with Senator-elect Pauline Hanson.

SF:        Congratulations Ms Hanson, are you surprised at your success?

PH:       Of course not, what a stupid question. The Strayan people have longed for my return to take the country back to the time when everyone knew where they stood and who they were standing on. A time when things were black and white and there was none of this awful brindlelisation we see all about us 24/7.  

SF:        But aren’t you a product of what you call brindlelisation? Some years ago a DNA test showed your own genetic make-up was drawn from the Middle East, Italy, Greece and Turkey as well as Europe. Makes you a bit of a piebald doesn’t it?  

PH:       Dr Froid, if you think you can show me up as an ignorant hypocrite you’ve got another thing coming. The Strayan people won’t stand idly by while some foreigner with a silly name insults the one person who gives them hope for the future of bigotry.  

SF:        Whatever you might say, Ms Hanson, your electoral appeal remains limited.

PH:       That’s what you think! Straya’s full of people like me. That’s one of our education system’s greatest achievements.

SF:        Why do you hate Muslims so much?

PH:       What planet do you live on Dr Froid? They’re out to get us, to ruin our way of life. Everywhere you go these days there’s a Muslim. And those women in their scary black robes. If there’s not a bomb under them there’s a development proposal for a mosque or a school.

SF:        You do know that Muslims make up only about two per cent of the Australian population?     

PH:       That’s what you say, Dr Froid. That’s why we need a Royal Commission to discover the real true facts, including how Muslims ruin the environment.

SF:        Are you saying that Muslims are responsible for climate change?

PH:       Of course I am. Who else would be? Just have a look at what they’ve done in the Middle East – nothing but sand, barely a tree, no water. It’s a disgrace. And it’ll happen here. Mark my words.

SF:        But most Muslims don’t even live in the Middle East. They live in Pakistan and India and Bangladesh and Indonesia.

PH:       And just look where those countries are, Dr Froid, getting closer and closer to Straya. They’re out to get us and I’m the only person who can stop it.

[SF closes his eyes, shakes his head and is unable to continue.]

Tony Abbott laments the lost art of bribery in an exclusive interview with Sigmund Freud

Resuming his interviews with insignificant Australians, Dr Freud met Tony Abbott soon after the latter revealed he was offered a bribe as he left a glitzy party.

SF: So what was the truth about that $5000? Was it not enough, were the notes dirty, was it all in 5 cent coins?

TA: Well, some of the notes were really grubby. They must have circulated in Labor Party electorates. But it was the principle that forced me to Reject The Bribe.

SF: Principle?

TA: There’s an Art To Bribery. You can’t just say, ‘It’s Not Enough’ or ‘What An Evil’ or ‘Turnbull’s A Grub’.

SF: What on earth are you talking about?

TA:  Bribery, like knighthoods and Eric Abetz, has ancient and dishonourable traditions that must be respected if voters in Manly Warringah are to Have A Future.

SF: Tell me more about these so-called traditions.

TA: You can sneer All You Like! But there’s an etiquette that Must Be Honoured. Bribes should always be given at the beginning of the party, Not The End.

SF: For God’s sake why?

TA: Leave God Alone. You get the envelope as you arrive, you duck into the toilet and do a quick count and that tells you how long you’re expected to stay.

SF: So what’s your going rate?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: How long did you stay at ‘that’ party?

TA: Over Two Hours.

SF: Did you feel cheated?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: I’m confused. If it’s all about principle why did you need to consult Senator Heiferman?

TA: Because he, like me, is a Man of Tradition, who respects Ways Long Gone. He also knows a thing or two about what you can Get Away With.

   

SF: When will you ever accept that three word slogans are a stupid way to communicate?

TA: No, They’re Not.

SF: Yes they are.

TA: No, They’re Not. You Use Them.

SF: This Is Stupid.

TA: Ha, Got Cha!

SF: I’m going, I have another interview.

TA: Really, Who With?

SF: Jobson Grothe.

TA (incredulous): Only Two Words. What A Wanker!

'Muslim invasions' and the truth: a warning

Among the alarmist nonsense doing the e-rounds is a piece by someone claiming to be "Marty Skinner, Canadian historian". Here's a follow-up to help "Marty" recover from his deeply addled condition.

 Hi there

Recently I wrote a piece that suggested I knew something about the Middle East and the problems of the Muslim world. I called myself a historian. As I’m sure was obvious to most of you I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m certainly no historian. They do this thing called research which helps them understand the situations they’re writing about. There’s no App for research and you actually have to make the effort of reading and thinking. What a chore! That’s why I make stuff up. I find when I do that people who are even lazier than I am, say, ‘Wow, I didn’t know that and what a clever, brave person you are for drawing it to my attention. So scary!’  

That makes me feel pretty damn good! But it’s mostly a lie. Anyone who believes it is as big an ignoramus as I am. It’s time I came clean.

In case you think I’m being a bit hard on myself here are a few examples from my earlier piece.

-     I said that the Syrian refugee crisis was SUDDEN. That’s only because I just noticed it. And I couldn’t be bothered checking the outflow of refugees from Syria. Turns out that it began in earnest in May 2011. By September 2013 the UN High Commission for Refugees, which I’ve now heard of, put the number of refugees at 2 million (plus another 4 million people who fled their homes but were still inside Syria). Guess where they went? To neighbouring Muslim countries like Jordan, Turkey, Lebanon and even Iraq. Maybe that’s why I missed it because quite frankly those countries mean nothing to me.

-          I also suggested that most of the refugees were young men. That sounds really frightening, like an invasion. Only trouble, it’s nonsense. It’s actually almost a 50/50 split between men and women. I know now it was a bit of a stretch to rely on the ravings of the former Libyan dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, for the invasion story.  

-    I said that countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Bahrain hadn’t taken any refugees at all. That’s absolutely true. What I didn’t say because it would have spoiled the story is that these states are pretty obnoxious and some of their leaders have flirted with ISIS. The refugees are actually trying to get away from ISIS. I guess if I were in their shoes I’d much rather go to Europe too.  

-     I wrote that by 2050 Muslims will be a majority in Europe. Through the wonder of this exciting thing called research I’ve discovered that by 2050 Muslims will actually make up about 10 per cent of the population of Europe. Bit of a difference isn’t there? I probably gave the game away when I wrote that European non-Muslim families have an ‘average’ of 1 to 4 children, compared to 8 for Muslims. Between 1-4 must be the weirdest ‘average’ ever. By the way, the correct figure for Muslims is about 3.  

Finally, a word to my Australian friends. Yes, I know some of you are worried about the ‘Muslim threat’ to Australia. Yes, the world of Islam is occasionally very difficult and it would be good for more Muslims to publicly speak out against the actions of a vicious minority of their co-religionists. I hate to use the research word again but I’ve been actually looking at the figures. A question for you: is the Muslim population of Australia around 2%, 12%, 22%, 32%? It’s not hard to check if you really want to know what’s going on. If you don’t and you’d prefer to stay with my earlier story then I’m afraid you’ll have joined me in the ignorant bigot club.

I’d also add two other points:

-     - Australian children are at greater risk from Christian clergy than they are from ISIS.

-     - The only people who can legitimately ‘Reclaim Australia’ are Indigenous Australians: so most of you better be careful what you wish for or you might end up joining the queue of all those trying to get to Europe!

That’s all for now. What more can I say but that I am really, really sorry. I know you’ll think I’m a clutz and you should. But I am trying to make amends. Please share this with anyone who you think might be interested in the facts.

With apologies again for misleading you.

Marty

Terrorism and words: a reality-check on Isis

If truth is the first casualty of war, common sense is the first victim of terrorism.

There are no better examples than the hyper-ventilated assertions which followed the recent bombings in Brussels. France’s President Hollande declared that ‘all of Europe has been hit’. UK Prime Minister David Cameron warned that his country faced ‘a very real threat’. Here, Malcolm Turnbull ticked off the Europeans for their sloppy security. Prominent journalist Greg Sheridan, channelling Donald Trump’s absurdity that ‘Belgium and France are literally disintegrating’, wrote that the attacks represented a ‘damn [sic] burst’ which left the ‘structures of the world … trembling’.

If we didn’t know better we might easily mistake messrs Hollande, Cameron, Turnbull and Sheridan and regrettably many others as Isis recruiting agents. Their comments are a dream for the organisation’s propagandists. Worse, they paint a picture of the threat from Isis that is not borne out by the reality.

Isis terror threatens individual safety. Does it really threaten the security of European or Western states more broadly? There is a vital difference between the two ‘s’ words. Isis is a truly appalling outfit which commits heinous deeds. It has around 30,000 fighters and controls large tracts in Iraq and Syria. But without a navy, without an air force, how exactly does that translate into threat potent enough to make ‘the world’ tremble?

Fortunately, there is still wise counsel to be had. President Obama’s 2016 State-of-the-Union address should be required reading for all those prone to excitability:

… over-the-top claims that this is World War III just play into their hands. Masses of fighters on the back of pickup trucks and twisted souls plotting in apartments or garages pose an enormous danger to civilians and must be stopped. But they do not threaten our national existence. That’s the story ISIL wants to tell; that’s the kind of propaganda they use to recruit.

Some of the best commentary on Brussels came from The Guardian’s Simon Jenkins. The political and media over-reaction, he wrote, ‘converted a squalid psychopathological act into a warrior-evoking, population-terrifying, policy-changing event’. It also illuminated an appalling double-standard given that the ‘atrocities in Brussels happen almost daily on the streets of Baghdad, Aleppo and Damascus’.

For Americans, and quite possibly many others in the ‘trembling’ West, household furniture poses at least as great a danger as terrorism. Micah Zenko  from the reputable Council on Foreign Relations has written that in the decade after 9/11 an average of 29 Americans were killed each year in terrorist attacks. Figures compiled by the US Consumer Product Safety Commission showed that about the same number were crushed to death each year by unstable television sets and furniture.

Unwelcome news for the hyper-ventilators; important perspective for everyone else. 

Election update: the inside story from Malcolm Turnbull

After examining the intricacies of Australian politics and discovering there weren’t any, Dr Sigmund Freud eased himself back into the interview circuit by chatting to the Prime Minister.

   

MT:     Wonderful to see you again Dr Freud, there’s never been a better time–

SF:      Hang on, we went through all that last time! I want to ask about you and the forthcoming  election.  

  

MT:     Well there’s just never ever been a better time to talk about me. I’m at the top of my game.

SF:      That’s not the message I’m getting. There’s a lot of grumbling about you, about your indecisiveness, your lacklustre leadership.

MT:     Well the Labor Party has always been a party of whiners and whingers, just shows we’ve got them rattled.

    

SF:       I’m not talking about the Labor Party—

MT:      Well then it’s just the sort of ingratitude we’ve come to expect from the Greens.

SF:       (Slowly and precisely) Read my lips. I am talking about the Liberal Party, the party you lead, the party of government.

MT:     (Turns to adviser) Good God, are we in government? I wondered why I was getting so much media attention. Thought as usual it was my good looks and charm, and of course my extreme wealth. (Adviser whispers, MT adopts a serious, there’s never been a better time for me to be prime minister look, and lowers his voice)

            Well the Liberal Party has always been a broad church, even welcoming those with absolutely no moral or social standards at all. We firmly believe that money makes up for a lot of human failings.

  

SF:      You’re being strongly criticised for your indecisiveness. 

   

MT:     And what poppycock that is. When I make up my mind about something there’s no-one, absolutely no-one who’ll be quicker than I am in setting up a detailed, in depth examination or a series of Australia-wide focus groups in case I decide not to go ahead with it and need an explanation that I can take to the Australian people and explain why I’m such a decisive squib. That’s the basis of representative government Dr Freud and explains why the Australian people, my people, have such confidence in me as their leader. (Turns to adviser) How did that sound? 

(Adviser lowers heads and looks sideways)

SF:      What about innovation?

MT:     You took the word right out of my mouth, Dr Freud! I’ve set new standards in innovation in the short time I’ve been Prime Minister. (Turns to adviser again) How long did you say it was? Can’t believe it, I must tell Lucy. Remind me after we finish here. (Turns back to Dr Freud) Where were we?

SF:       Innovation.

MT:      Well let me give you two quick examples. Look at the innovative way we’re keeping the Labor Party from governing by pretending that we are. (Beams)

SF:       You said there were two examples.

 

MT:      Of course, of course, all in good time. I bet you can’t guess.

SF:        Prime Minister, I am the father of modern psychoanalysis. Do you really think that makes me a mind-reader?

MT:      Of course not, my apologies. Well I am proud to say that as of today, this very morning in fact, I have changed my name by deed poll.

SF:        You’re no longer Malcolm Turnbull?

MT:      Don’t be silly, I would never do that to my people. Too unsettling for them. But from today my name is no longer Malcolm Bligh Turnbull. It’s …  

SF:      Can’t wait.

MT:      It’s Malcolm Forward-to-the-past-and-quickly-now-Eric-Abetz-is-watching Turnbull.

SF:        Mmm, if you must. And the election?

MT:      I’ll cross that bridge when I’ve passed it.

Ruddock: ‘I was never knowingly an indiscriminate tosser’

After a short break to work on his understanding of the Australian accent, Dr Sigmund Freud resumed his project of interviewing prominent locals. Fittingly, his first guest was Hon Philip Ruddock, MP, the nation’s new SPECIAL ENVOY FOR CONVINCING OTHERS WE HAVE A HEART DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY.

SF:        I wonder if you could explain–

PR:       Dr Freud, it goes without saying that I am always happy to explain any aspect of my long and extraordinarily distinguished career.

SF:        The question I wanted to ask is why your title is all in the upper case? Some people might see that as a bit shouty.

PR:       I do not think that is a judgment that fair-minded people would draw. The capitalisation is intended to highlight the fact that Australia, or at least the Government of which I have been a proud member for more years than I care to remember, has a great deal, a very great deal, to be proud of. It also acknowledges the reality that in our globalised world we are dealing with many individuals whose first language is not English. You will know from your own experience that those in that category respond well to capitalisation, whether it be written or spoken. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SF:       (Shakes his head and mutters, I’m not a fucking idiot, mate.) Let me ask you about boat people.

PR:       Here we go again! Why this obsession with foreigners? Why not ask about decent hard-working Australians like Pauline Hanson or Bronwyn Bishop or Joe Hockey or me perhaps? People who’ve contributed unstintingly to the life of the nation without always having their hand out or expecting some cushy appointment.

SF:        (Determined.) Why did you chop off large chunks of Australia?

PR:       Well I would strongly reject that characterisation of the action we took to make Australia a tidier, more compact country and thereby facilitate the processing of those who want to call Australia home but will never ever do so and who, after the requisite number of years have passed, will have the opportunity to go somewhere else like Cambodia or perhaps New Zealand.

SF:        Aren’t you at all ashamed at the way you’ve behaved? Look at your own words from October 2001, and I quote: a number of children have been thrown overboard. It was clearly planned and premeditated. I imagine the children would be those who could be readily lifted and tossed.

It was all a lie wasn’t it?

PR:       Well the important point I was trying to make was that in tossing children into the air it is incumbent upon the tosser to carefully calculate the arc of the toss, the likely descent rate and the landing zone. As a general principle I, and the government of which I was a proud member, did not consider that water was a fit substance into which to toss children.

SF:        Unlike gaol?

PR:       Exactly.

SF:        Finally, how do you rate Australia’s chances of getting elected to the UN Human Rights Council?

PR:       To use a term I hear occasionally in my electorate from those who are educationally challenged, it’s a no brainer. We in this country understand human rights abuses like no other. Why, we even make the Saudis blush.   

Dr Freud’s house call on Malcolm Turnbull

Following his acclaimed interviews with the British Royals, Dr Sigmund Freud arrived in Australia, his first ever visit down-under. Prime Minister Turnbull welcomed him to the newly refurbished Lodge in Canberra.

  

MT:      (Grinning) Welcome Dr Freud, there’s never been a better time to visit Australia.

SF:        Why?

  

MT:      You want to ask why there’s never been a better time to visit Australia?

 

SF:        No, I already have. What’s the answer?

MT:      Well the answer is straightforward. Simply put there’s never been a better time to visit Australia.

 

SF:       That’s not an answer, that’s mere assertion, statement, declaration. I asked you why.

MT:      Well, we have so much to be optimistic about.

SF:        Such as?

MT:      (Turns to adviser) Not a bad question when you think about it. Do you know?

A:         (Beaming). Because you’re Prime Minister, sir, our Mal for all seasons.

  

MT:      Darn it, you’re absolutely right. How unusually modest of me not to think of that. What’s your name? I’ll need to consider a promotion.

A:         It’s Godwin, sir.

SF:        Excuse me, may I interrupt?

MT:      There’s never been a better time to interrupt, Dr Freud.

SF:        What do you think of the advocates of same-sex marriage?

MT:      They should all be sent back to Nauru. Immediately! Oh, sorry, wrong talking point. (Glares at Godwin.)

SF:       Well?

MT:      There’s never been a better time to—

SF:        (Ashen-faced, trembling) Sorry, I just remembered, I have to go to the chemist.

MT:      Well there’s never been … (SF screams, Godwin phones for an ambulance).

I don’t want to be King of Australia, Prince Charles reveals in exclusive interview

Shortly before his departure from London for Australia, Dr Sigmund Freud was granted an audience with His Royal Highness Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, KG, KT, GCB, OM, AK, QSO, PC, ADC, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland.

SF:       You have an awful lot of titles, do you know what they all mean?

HRH:   (Smiling broadly) Bit of a list isn’t it. Still if One lives as long as One has and One doesn’t  have much to do with One’s time, One is inclined to keep One’s eye out for a bargain title if  one comes along as one or sometimes two do quite regularly as a matter of fact.

SF:        I see, forgive my ignorance, I’m not surprised PC is there but what exactly is OM? 

HRH:    Om, om, Good Lord man, you don’t know what Om is? Order of Meditation, thought someone in your profession would be a little more up-to-date.

SF:        I see, and Renfrew, I’m not sure where it is.

HRH:    (Laughing) That makes two of us, but don’t tell the Scots! Somewhere up there One  imagines but One can’t be expected to know where every little pinprick in One’s Empire is,  can One?

SF:        Speaking of Empire what are you feelings about Australia?

HRH:    One will simply never ever forgive those Australians.

SF:        So you feel aggrieved about the possible republic?

HRH:    (Looking puzzled) Eh, what? No, no, no, One couldn’t care less about it, Australia's the last place One wants  to rule over! They had their chance to give One a knighthood and they blew it. Gave it to that  silly old duffer who says he’s One’s father. As if he didn’t have enough gongs already. Just  let One enlighten you on that score: Earl of Merioneth, Baron Greenwich, Extra Knight of the  Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Grand Master and First and Principal  Knight Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Knight of the Order  of Australia, Additional Member of the Order of New Zealand, Royal Chief of the Order of  Logohu, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, Lord High Admiral of the United  Kingdom,blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc. You get the picture?

SF:        One does. If I might turn to current events. What are your views on the refugee crisis?

   

HRH:    The world should take a leaf out of One’s Mother Country’s Book. An unblemished record  of sending the worst of the worst to every corner of the globe pretending it was a civilising  endeavour. By the way, strange saying that, One never realised a globe had corners. So there  you are, One learns something new every day.

SF:        So you’re opposed to any refugee resettlement?

HRH:    Dear-oh-dear man, that’s just what One said. They’re all scallywags. We know!

SF:        What of the European Union?

HRH:    Never tried that position, must ask Camilla. Hope she hasn’t been holding out on One. By the way, when will this be broadcast?

SF:        Very soon.

HRH:    One simply must find One’s tranny.

  

Australia Day Special – The Queen’s Exclusive Interview with Sigmund Freud

SF:      Thank you so much for receiving me Ma’am. How are you?

QE2:    (Sharply) What’s it to you?

SF:       (Taken aback) Well, um, I was just being courteous, enquiring after your well-being.

QE2:    Don’t you know the date?

SF:       (Warily) Of course I do, it’s the 26^th of January.

QE2:    Exactly. Awstralia Day. And you know what happens today. All those Awstralians check my  health.

SF:       That’s kind of them.

QE2:    Nothing of the sort. It’s about gambling.

SF:       Well, Australians do like a flutter, that’s true.

QE2:    But they’re betting on how long I’ll live! Those dreadful republicans want me to die so they can become independent. Such impertinence. Don’t they understand they simply can’t survive without our tutelage? I’d have them all transported if they weren’t already there. What do you suggest I do?

SF:       Open a By Appointment to Her Majesty betting shop?

QE2:    Ha ha, very funny Dr Freud. Prince Charles would just love that, especially short odds. He did a gambling course when he went to school in Awstralia all those years ago. But I have a better idea. I will ban everyone—particularly the Awstralians—from calling me Ma’am. From now on it’s Mum. No one wants their mother to die do they?

SF:       (Hesitantly) I wouldn’t bet on it.

  

North Korea: The Jong and the Restless

Part II of Sigmund Freud’s exclusive interview with Supreme Leader/Marshall/Great Benefactor/Divine Inspiration/Father of Most of the People/He Who is Wise Beyond Belief/Our Dear Pal in High Places, Kim Jong-un.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: You’re back. So soon?

SF: There was trouble at the airport, I never left. Thank you SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP for ensuring I had a cell all to myself. Quite restful. The cigarette burns were a thoughtful touch, helped to keep me warm. But enough about me, how have you been?

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP (sniffling and wiping his eyes on the sleeve of the nearest aide): Terrible, just terrible, I’ve hardly slept since our last interview.

SF: You missed me? Strange way of showing it but that’s cultural diversity for you. I must tell you though, SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP, you’re not really my type.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: You are an ignoramus doctor, besides all the other things. I did not give you one teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy thought as I have been kept awake (his voice chokes and he wipes his eyes again on the aide’s other sleeve) by the dastardly, inhumane, cruel and unusual punishment tactics of those sub-human devils running that part of Our Dear Homeland, correction, My Dear Homeland that is yet to be liberated by the stunningly brave and courageous sons and daughters who will follow me to the death except that I will be commanding them from well back as is my wont.

SF: That’s a very long sentence. Did you know that in spoken language it’s best to keep sentences to an average of about 15 words, as I have just done? Your very title is a hurdle.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: You must help me, you must!

SF: Then what’s the problem and keep it brief.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: Loudspeakers.

SF: You know, you can be too short.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: How dare you make malicious, hurtful, libellous and a generally unwise comments about my stature.

SF (shaking his head): I meant no disrespect. I just need a little more information about the loudspeakers.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: They are on the DMZ, the false border, playing music 24/7. Ever since the glorious 8^th of January when we let off a hydrogenic-cracker to celebrate my birthday they have not stopped playing the song. Round and round it goes, ceaseless, unending, relentless. Oh, if only the swine would bring back the propaganda broadcasts of yesteryear.  

SF: What song?

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP (now blubbering uncontrollably): It’s a small, small world.

SF: One of my favourites, but I always had a soft spot for Disneyland.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP (falling to his knees as his aides flatten themselves on the floor): Please help me, please!

SF (Soothingly and reaching into his briefcase): Of course, of course. Here, take two of these with your evening bottle of cognac. And please, do remember your dreams. They can’t possibly be any wackier than your waking moments.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: Don’t bet on that. 

Sigmund Freud interviews Kim Jong-un

SF: Thank you for your time Mr Kim. Before we start could I just say—

(An aide to the North Korean leader clamps her hand over Dr Freud’s mouth and angrily whispers into his ear. Freud’s eyes open wide in fright as he desperately nods).

SF: With my deepest most profound and sincere apologies, Supreme Leader.

SL: That’s better.

SF: I would like to say, on behalf of all freedom loving people of the world, Happy Birthday.

SL: Better still. You will no doubt have observed the complete absence of traffic this morning. Do not for one moment believe the contemptible and vicious untruth that this quietude results from an absence of vehicles or fuel or indeed driving skills. On the contrary, my beloved people are conserving what little energy they have for the grand party I throw every 8 January. It’s the best meal most of them eat for the whole year. Come along and see for yourself.

SF: That’s very kind of you, Supreme Leader, I’ll do my best. Now if I may ask about your new year resolutions.

SL: You may.

(Awkward pause.)

SF: Is it true you resolved to be even more resolute and determined than ever before in fighting the imperialist ambitions of the US military-industrial complex and its lickspittle running dogs?

SL: I don’t know, did I? Sounds like a plan.

SF: Your comments were widely reported in the international media.

SL: I only read the Pyongyang Bugle.

SF: Do you feel fulfilled?

SL: That’s a silly question, who do you think you are? (An aide whispers to him.) Oh, is that right. Well of course I feel fulfilled. Every moment of every day of every year, someone, somewhere in the world is talking about me. Isn’t that a hoot!

SF: But if I might dare to suggest—                                    

SL: That’s not a phrase anyone uses with me after what happened to Uncle Jang!

SF: The Defence Minister?

SL: No, no. That idiot walked in front of an anti-aircraft gun just as it was fired. Uncle Jang fed himself to starving dogs. You know what he’d done?

SF: No.

SL: (Breathes deeply) He came to me one day and said, and I quote, might I dare to suggest we turn our swords into plough shares.

SF: That’s a very famous phrase, there’s something in it you know.

SL: In your dreams.

SF: Well that was going to be my next question. But you have a very busy schedule, we’ll leave it. I wonder if you’d be so kind, though, to make a note of what you dream about before we talk again.

SL: I hope you get to the airport alright.