Resuming his interviews with insignificant Australians, Dr Freud met Tony Abbott soon after the latter revealed he was offered a bribe as he left a glitzy party.
SF: So what was the truth about that $5000? Was it not enough, were the notes dirty, was it all in 5 cent coins?
TA: Well, some of the notes were really grubby. They must have circulated in Labor Party electorates. But it was the principle that forced me to Reject The Bribe.
TA: There’s an Art To Bribery. You can’t just say, ‘It’s Not Enough’ or ‘What An Evil’ or ‘Turnbull’s A Grub’.
SF: What on earth are you talking about?
TA: Bribery, like knighthoods and Eric Abetz, has ancient and dishonourable traditions that must be respected if voters in Manly Warringah are to Have A Future.
SF: Tell me more about these so-called traditions.
TA: You can sneer All You Like! But there’s an etiquette that Must Be Honoured. Bribes should always be given at the beginning of the party, Not The End.
SF: For God’s sake why?
TA: Leave God Alone. You get the envelope as you arrive, you duck into the toilet and do a quick count and that tells you how long you’re expected to stay.
SF: So what’s your going rate?
TA: I Won’t Say.
SF: How long did you stay at ‘that’ party?
TA: Over Two Hours.
SF: Did you feel cheated?
TA: I Won’t Say.
SF: I’m confused. If it’s all about principle why did you need to consult Senator Heiferman?
TA: Because he, like me, is a Man of Tradition, who respects Ways Long Gone. He also knows a thing or two about what you can Get Away With.
SF: When will you ever accept that three word slogans are a stupid way to communicate?
TA: No, They’re Not.
SF: Yes they are.
TA: No, They’re Not. You Use Them.
SF: This Is Stupid.
TA: Ha, Got Cha!
SF: I’m going, I have another interview.
TA: Really, Who With?
SF: Jobson Grothe.
TA (incredulous): Only Two Words. What A Wanker!