Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Tony Abbott laments the lost art of bribery in an exclusive interview with Sigmund Freud

Resuming his interviews with insignificant Australians, Dr Freud met Tony Abbott soon after the latter revealed he was offered a bribe as he left a glitzy party.

SF: So what was the truth about that $5000? Was it not enough, were the notes dirty, was it all in 5 cent coins?

TA: Well, some of the notes were really grubby. They must have circulated in Labor Party electorates. But it was the principle that forced me to Reject The Bribe.

SF: Principle?

TA: There’s an Art To Bribery. You can’t just say, ‘It’s Not Enough’ or ‘What An Evil’ or ‘Turnbull’s A Grub’.

SF: What on earth are you talking about?

TA:  Bribery, like knighthoods and Eric Abetz, has ancient and dishonourable traditions that must be respected if voters in Manly Warringah are to Have A Future.

SF: Tell me more about these so-called traditions.

TA: You can sneer All You Like! But there’s an etiquette that Must Be Honoured. Bribes should always be given at the beginning of the party, Not The End.

SF: For God’s sake why?

TA: Leave God Alone. You get the envelope as you arrive, you duck into the toilet and do a quick count and that tells you how long you’re expected to stay.

SF: So what’s your going rate?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: How long did you stay at ‘that’ party?

TA: Over Two Hours.

SF: Did you feel cheated?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: I’m confused. If it’s all about principle why did you need to consult Senator Heiferman?

TA: Because he, like me, is a Man of Tradition, who respects Ways Long Gone. He also knows a thing or two about what you can Get Away With.
SF: When will you ever accept that three word slogans are a stupid way to communicate?

TA: No, They’re Not.

SF: Yes they are.

TA: No, They’re Not. You Use Them.

SF: This Is Stupid.

TA: Ha, Got Cha!

SF: I’m going, I have another interview.

TA: Really, Who With?

SF: Jobson Grothe.

TA (incredulous): Only Two Words. What A Wanker!