Shortly before his departure from London for Australia, Dr Sigmund Freud was granted an audience with His Royal Highness Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, KG, KT, GCB, OM, AK, QSO, PC, ADC, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland.
SF: You have an awful lot of titles, do you know what they all mean?
HRH: (Smiling broadly) Bit of a list isn’t it. Still if One lives as long as One has and One doesn’t have much to do with One’s time, One is inclined to keep One’s eye out for a bargain title if one comes along as one or sometimes two do quite regularly as a matter of fact.
SF: I see, forgive my ignorance, I’m not surprised PC is there but what exactly is OM?
HRH: Om, om, Good Lord man, you don’t know what Om is? Order of Meditation, thought someone in your profession would be a little more up-to-date.
SF: I see, and Renfrew, I’m not sure where it is.
HRH: (Laughing) That makes two of us, but don’t tell the Scots! Somewhere up there One imagines but One can’t be expected to know where every little pinprick in One’s Empire is, can One?
SF: Speaking of Empire what are you feelings about Australia?
HRH: One will simply never ever forgive those Australians.
SF: So you feel aggrieved about the possible republic?
HRH: (Looking puzzled) Eh, what? No, no, no, One couldn’t care less about it, Australia's the last place One wants to rule over! They had their chance to give One a knighthood and they blew it. Gave it to that silly old duffer who says he’s One’s father. As if he didn’t have enough gongs already. Just let One enlighten you on that score: Earl of Merioneth, Baron Greenwich, Extra Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Grand Master and First and Principal Knight Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Knight of the Order of Australia, Additional Member of the Order of New Zealand, Royal Chief of the Order of Logohu, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, Lord High Admiral of the United Kingdom,blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc. You get the picture?
SF: One does. If I might turn to current events. What are your views on the refugee crisis?
HRH: The world should take a leaf out of One’s Mother Country’s Book. An unblemished record of sending the worst of the worst to every corner of the globe pretending it was a civilising endeavour. By the way, strange saying that, One never realised a globe had corners. So there you are, One learns something new every day.
SF: So you’re opposed to any refugee resettlement?
HRH: Dear-oh-dear man, that’s just what One said. They’re all scallywags. We know!
SF: What of the European Union?
HRH: Never tried that position, must ask Camilla. Hope she hasn’t been holding out on One. By the way, when will this be broadcast?
SF: Very soon.
HRH: One simply must find One’s tranny.