Breaking News – Kevin Rudd to Run in US Presidential Race

USA Tomorrow, 31 October 2016

Washington is abuzz with the revelation that Kevin Rudd has offered himself as a compromise candidate in next week’s US presidential contest. 

One administration insider described the news as the breakthrough moment American voters had prayed for.

''With Kevin in the race, with the full backing of Botswana and the FBI, voters will feel so much better choosing between Clinton or Trump, knowing there’s now an even worse alternative."

Asked whether it was possible for a someone with Rudd’s background – failed national leader (x2), failed UN Secretary General candidate (x1), non-US citizen (ongoing), megalomaniac (ongoing), our source dismissed these as trifles.

"The point is that Kevin combines all the characteristics we loathe in Hillary and Donald. It’s no mean feat to make them look good but by God he’s done it.''

Mr Rudd was unavailable for interview. His spokeswoman said, ''I am authorised to say that Kev, a humble man of the people, is delighted to step up to the plate, put his shoulder to the wheel as the rubber hits the road and offer to serve the American electors in any capacity as their President with a fresh load of programmatic specificity''.    

The past is a different country – they washed up then

Every day, tens of thousands of people dump on America without saying a word. They open their mouths, it’s true.  But that is for the food consumed off polystyrene plates, often in bilious amounts, using plastic knives and forks, or for the cold or hot drinks guzzled from polystyrene cups.

There’s no more alarming way to see this than to drive across America, which we did a little while ago. In grand hotels and pit-stop motels polystyrene is king. And even though some forms of this ubiquitous, environmentally iniquitous, product are recyclable it mostly goes into the trash, destined for landfill.

The hotel and motel owners (and restaurateurs) of America need only take a peek at Trip Advisor or elsewhere on the Internet to sense the cry for change:

o   ‘Are you serious – polystyrene plates and plastic cutlery at breakfast?!’

o   ‘Polystyrene and plastic cutlery set the standard.’

o   ‘Everything in the dining room was disposable … Nothing cheapens a meal quite so much as using disposable plates and cutlery.’

Billy Connolly joined in the lament against ‘polystyrene plates and plastic cutlery’ writing of his road trip along the famous Route 66.

So what or who’s to blame? Is the food so bad it doesn’t matter what it’s served on? Have the dishwashers of America, threatened with deportation by Donald Trump, gone to ground? Does the fault lie more with Saudi Arabia? Battling Russia and Iran it’s pushed oil prices to record lows. Cheap oil equals cheaper plastic. Why clean up when you can throw away?

No matter how blame is apportioned it's a phenomenon that’s rubbishing America.      

  

Pauline Hanson: ‘Muslims to blame for climate change’

Following a break during the election campaign to ensure his interviews would remain non-partisan, Dr Sigmund Freud met with Senator-elect Pauline Hanson.

SF:        Congratulations Ms Hanson, are you surprised at your success?

PH:       Of course not, what a stupid question. The Strayan people have longed for my return to take the country back to the time when everyone knew where they stood and who they were standing on. A time when things were black and white and there was none of this awful brindlelisation we see all about us 24/7.  

SF:        But aren’t you a product of what you call brindlelisation? Some years ago a DNA test showed your own genetic make-up was drawn from the Middle East, Italy, Greece and Turkey as well as Europe. Makes you a bit of a piebald doesn’t it?  

PH:       Dr Froid, if you think you can show me up as an ignorant hypocrite you’ve got another thing coming. The Strayan people won’t stand idly by while some foreigner with a silly name insults the one person who gives them hope for the future of bigotry.  

SF:        Whatever you might say, Ms Hanson, your electoral appeal remains limited.

PH:       That’s what you think! Straya’s full of people like me. That’s one of our education system’s greatest achievements.

SF:        Why do you hate Muslims so much?

PH:       What planet do you live on Dr Froid? They’re out to get us, to ruin our way of life. Everywhere you go these days there’s a Muslim. And those women in their scary black robes. If there’s not a bomb under them there’s a development proposal for a mosque or a school.

SF:        You do know that Muslims make up only about two per cent of the Australian population?     

PH:       That’s what you say, Dr Froid. That’s why we need a Royal Commission to discover the real true facts, including how Muslims ruin the environment.

SF:        Are you saying that Muslims are responsible for climate change?

PH:       Of course I am. Who else would be? Just have a look at what they’ve done in the Middle East – nothing but sand, barely a tree, no water. It’s a disgrace. And it’ll happen here. Mark my words.

SF:        But most Muslims don’t even live in the Middle East. They live in Pakistan and India and Bangladesh and Indonesia.

PH:       And just look where those countries are, Dr Froid, getting closer and closer to Straya. They’re out to get us and I’m the only person who can stop it.

[SF closes his eyes, shakes his head and is unable to continue.]

Tony Abbott laments the lost art of bribery in an exclusive interview with Sigmund Freud

Resuming his interviews with insignificant Australians, Dr Freud met Tony Abbott soon after the latter revealed he was offered a bribe as he left a glitzy party.

SF: So what was the truth about that $5000? Was it not enough, were the notes dirty, was it all in 5 cent coins?

TA: Well, some of the notes were really grubby. They must have circulated in Labor Party electorates. But it was the principle that forced me to Reject The Bribe.

SF: Principle?

TA: There’s an Art To Bribery. You can’t just say, ‘It’s Not Enough’ or ‘What An Evil’ or ‘Turnbull’s A Grub’.

SF: What on earth are you talking about?

TA:  Bribery, like knighthoods and Eric Abetz, has ancient and dishonourable traditions that must be respected if voters in Manly Warringah are to Have A Future.

SF: Tell me more about these so-called traditions.

TA: You can sneer All You Like! But there’s an etiquette that Must Be Honoured. Bribes should always be given at the beginning of the party, Not The End.

SF: For God’s sake why?

TA: Leave God Alone. You get the envelope as you arrive, you duck into the toilet and do a quick count and that tells you how long you’re expected to stay.

SF: So what’s your going rate?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: How long did you stay at ‘that’ party?

TA: Over Two Hours.

SF: Did you feel cheated?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: I’m confused. If it’s all about principle why did you need to consult Senator Heiferman?

TA: Because he, like me, is a Man of Tradition, who respects Ways Long Gone. He also knows a thing or two about what you can Get Away With.

   

SF: When will you ever accept that three word slogans are a stupid way to communicate?

TA: No, They’re Not.

SF: Yes they are.

TA: No, They’re Not. You Use Them.

SF: This Is Stupid.

TA: Ha, Got Cha!

SF: I’m going, I have another interview.

TA: Really, Who With?

SF: Jobson Grothe.

TA (incredulous): Only Two Words. What A Wanker!

'Muslim invasions' and the truth: a warning

Among the alarmist nonsense doing the e-rounds is a piece by someone claiming to be "Marty Skinner, Canadian historian". Here's a follow-up to help "Marty" recover from his deeply addled condition.

 Hi there

Recently I wrote a piece that suggested I knew something about the Middle East and the problems of the Muslim world. I called myself a historian. As I’m sure was obvious to most of you I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m certainly no historian. They do this thing called research which helps them understand the situations they’re writing about. There’s no App for research and you actually have to make the effort of reading and thinking. What a chore! That’s why I make stuff up. I find when I do that people who are even lazier than I am, say, ‘Wow, I didn’t know that and what a clever, brave person you are for drawing it to my attention. So scary!’  

That makes me feel pretty damn good! But it’s mostly a lie. Anyone who believes it is as big an ignoramus as I am. It’s time I came clean.

In case you think I’m being a bit hard on myself here are a few examples from my earlier piece.

-     I said that the Syrian refugee crisis was SUDDEN. That’s only because I just noticed it. And I couldn’t be bothered checking the outflow of refugees from Syria. Turns out that it began in earnest in May 2011. By September 2013 the UN High Commission for Refugees, which I’ve now heard of, put the number of refugees at 2 million (plus another 4 million people who fled their homes but were still inside Syria). Guess where they went? To neighbouring Muslim countries like Jordan, Turkey, Lebanon and even Iraq. Maybe that’s why I missed it because quite frankly those countries mean nothing to me.

-          I also suggested that most of the refugees were young men. That sounds really frightening, like an invasion. Only trouble, it’s nonsense. It’s actually almost a 50/50 split between men and women. I know now it was a bit of a stretch to rely on the ravings of the former Libyan dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, for the invasion story.  

-    I said that countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Bahrain hadn’t taken any refugees at all. That’s absolutely true. What I didn’t say because it would have spoiled the story is that these states are pretty obnoxious and some of their leaders have flirted with ISIS. The refugees are actually trying to get away from ISIS. I guess if I were in their shoes I’d much rather go to Europe too.  

-     I wrote that by 2050 Muslims will be a majority in Europe. Through the wonder of this exciting thing called research I’ve discovered that by 2050 Muslims will actually make up about 10 per cent of the population of Europe. Bit of a difference isn’t there? I probably gave the game away when I wrote that European non-Muslim families have an ‘average’ of 1 to 4 children, compared to 8 for Muslims. Between 1-4 must be the weirdest ‘average’ ever. By the way, the correct figure for Muslims is about 3.  

Finally, a word to my Australian friends. Yes, I know some of you are worried about the ‘Muslim threat’ to Australia. Yes, the world of Islam is occasionally very difficult and it would be good for more Muslims to publicly speak out against the actions of a vicious minority of their co-religionists. I hate to use the research word again but I’ve been actually looking at the figures. A question for you: is the Muslim population of Australia around 2%, 12%, 22%, 32%? It’s not hard to check if you really want to know what’s going on. If you don’t and you’d prefer to stay with my earlier story then I’m afraid you’ll have joined me in the ignorant bigot club.

I’d also add two other points:

-     - Australian children are at greater risk from Christian clergy than they are from ISIS.

-     - The only people who can legitimately ‘Reclaim Australia’ are Indigenous Australians: so most of you better be careful what you wish for or you might end up joining the queue of all those trying to get to Europe!

That’s all for now. What more can I say but that I am really, really sorry. I know you’ll think I’m a clutz and you should. But I am trying to make amends. Please share this with anyone who you think might be interested in the facts.

With apologies again for misleading you.

Marty

Terrorism and words: a reality-check on Isis

If truth is the first casualty of war, common sense is the first victim of terrorism.

There are no better examples than the hyper-ventilated assertions which followed the recent bombings in Brussels. France’s President Hollande declared that ‘all of Europe has been hit’. UK Prime Minister David Cameron warned that his country faced ‘a very real threat’. Here, Malcolm Turnbull ticked off the Europeans for their sloppy security. Prominent journalist Greg Sheridan, channelling Donald Trump’s absurdity that ‘Belgium and France are literally disintegrating’, wrote that the attacks represented a ‘damn [sic] burst’ which left the ‘structures of the world … trembling’.

If we didn’t know better we might easily mistake messrs Hollande, Cameron, Turnbull and Sheridan and regrettably many others as Isis recruiting agents. Their comments are a dream for the organisation’s propagandists. Worse, they paint a picture of the threat from Isis that is not borne out by the reality.

Isis terror threatens individual safety. Does it really threaten the security of European or Western states more broadly? There is a vital difference between the two ‘s’ words. Isis is a truly appalling outfit which commits heinous deeds. It has around 30,000 fighters and controls large tracts in Iraq and Syria. But without a navy, without an air force, how exactly does that translate into threat potent enough to make ‘the world’ tremble?

Fortunately, there is still wise counsel to be had. President Obama’s 2016 State-of-the-Union address should be required reading for all those prone to excitability:

… over-the-top claims that this is World War III just play into their hands. Masses of fighters on the back of pickup trucks and twisted souls plotting in apartments or garages pose an enormous danger to civilians and must be stopped. But they do not threaten our national existence. That’s the story ISIL wants to tell; that’s the kind of propaganda they use to recruit.

Some of the best commentary on Brussels came from The Guardian’s Simon Jenkins. The political and media over-reaction, he wrote, ‘converted a squalid psychopathological act into a warrior-evoking, population-terrifying, policy-changing event’. It also illuminated an appalling double-standard given that the ‘atrocities in Brussels happen almost daily on the streets of Baghdad, Aleppo and Damascus’.

For Americans, and quite possibly many others in the ‘trembling’ West, household furniture poses at least as great a danger as terrorism. Micah Zenko  from the reputable Council on Foreign Relations has written that in the decade after 9/11 an average of 29 Americans were killed each year in terrorist attacks. Figures compiled by the US Consumer Product Safety Commission showed that about the same number were crushed to death each year by unstable television sets and furniture.

Unwelcome news for the hyper-ventilators; important perspective for everyone else. 

Election update: the inside story from Malcolm Turnbull

After examining the intricacies of Australian politics and discovering there weren’t any, Dr Sigmund Freud eased himself back into the interview circuit by chatting to the Prime Minister.

   

MT:     Wonderful to see you again Dr Freud, there’s never been a better time–

SF:      Hang on, we went through all that last time! I want to ask about you and the forthcoming  election.  

  

MT:     Well there’s just never ever been a better time to talk about me. I’m at the top of my game.

SF:      That’s not the message I’m getting. There’s a lot of grumbling about you, about your indecisiveness, your lacklustre leadership.

MT:     Well the Labor Party has always been a party of whiners and whingers, just shows we’ve got them rattled.

    

SF:       I’m not talking about the Labor Party—

MT:      Well then it’s just the sort of ingratitude we’ve come to expect from the Greens.

SF:       (Slowly and precisely) Read my lips. I am talking about the Liberal Party, the party you lead, the party of government.

MT:     (Turns to adviser) Good God, are we in government? I wondered why I was getting so much media attention. Thought as usual it was my good looks and charm, and of course my extreme wealth. (Adviser whispers, MT adopts a serious, there’s never been a better time for me to be prime minister look, and lowers his voice)

            Well the Liberal Party has always been a broad church, even welcoming those with absolutely no moral or social standards at all. We firmly believe that money makes up for a lot of human failings.

  

SF:      You’re being strongly criticised for your indecisiveness. 

   

MT:     And what poppycock that is. When I make up my mind about something there’s no-one, absolutely no-one who’ll be quicker than I am in setting up a detailed, in depth examination or a series of Australia-wide focus groups in case I decide not to go ahead with it and need an explanation that I can take to the Australian people and explain why I’m such a decisive squib. That’s the basis of representative government Dr Freud and explains why the Australian people, my people, have such confidence in me as their leader. (Turns to adviser) How did that sound? 

(Adviser lowers heads and looks sideways)

SF:      What about innovation?

MT:     You took the word right out of my mouth, Dr Freud! I’ve set new standards in innovation in the short time I’ve been Prime Minister. (Turns to adviser again) How long did you say it was? Can’t believe it, I must tell Lucy. Remind me after we finish here. (Turns back to Dr Freud) Where were we?

SF:       Innovation.

MT:      Well let me give you two quick examples. Look at the innovative way we’re keeping the Labor Party from governing by pretending that we are. (Beams)

SF:       You said there were two examples.

 

MT:      Of course, of course, all in good time. I bet you can’t guess.

SF:        Prime Minister, I am the father of modern psychoanalysis. Do you really think that makes me a mind-reader?

MT:      Of course not, my apologies. Well I am proud to say that as of today, this very morning in fact, I have changed my name by deed poll.

SF:        You’re no longer Malcolm Turnbull?

MT:      Don’t be silly, I would never do that to my people. Too unsettling for them. But from today my name is no longer Malcolm Bligh Turnbull. It’s …  

SF:      Can’t wait.

MT:      It’s Malcolm Forward-to-the-past-and-quickly-now-Eric-Abetz-is-watching Turnbull.

SF:        Mmm, if you must. And the election?

MT:      I’ll cross that bridge when I’ve passed it.