Ruddock: ‘I was never knowingly an indiscriminate tosser’

After a short break to work on his understanding of the Australian accent, Dr Sigmund Freud resumed his project of interviewing prominent locals. Fittingly, his first guest was Hon Philip Ruddock, MP, the nation’s new SPECIAL ENVOY FOR CONVINCING OTHERS WE HAVE A HEART DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY.

SF:        I wonder if you could explain–

PR:       Dr Freud, it goes without saying that I am always happy to explain any aspect of my long and extraordinarily distinguished career.

SF:        The question I wanted to ask is why your title is all in the upper case? Some people might see that as a bit shouty.

PR:       I do not think that is a judgment that fair-minded people would draw. The capitalisation is intended to highlight the fact that Australia, or at least the Government of which I have been a proud member for more years than I care to remember, has a great deal, a very great deal, to be proud of. It also acknowledges the reality that in our globalised world we are dealing with many individuals whose first language is not English. You will know from your own experience that those in that category respond well to capitalisation, whether it be written or spoken. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SF:       (Shakes his head and mutters, I’m not a fucking idiot, mate.) Let me ask you about boat people.

PR:       Here we go again! Why this obsession with foreigners? Why not ask about decent hard-working Australians like Pauline Hanson or Bronwyn Bishop or Joe Hockey or me perhaps? People who’ve contributed unstintingly to the life of the nation without always having their hand out or expecting some cushy appointment.

SF:        (Determined.) Why did you chop off large chunks of Australia?

PR:       Well I would strongly reject that characterisation of the action we took to make Australia a tidier, more compact country and thereby facilitate the processing of those who want to call Australia home but will never ever do so and who, after the requisite number of years have passed, will have the opportunity to go somewhere else like Cambodia or perhaps New Zealand.

SF:        Aren’t you at all ashamed at the way you’ve behaved? Look at your own words from October 2001, and I quote: a number of children have been thrown overboard. It was clearly planned and premeditated. I imagine the children would be those who could be readily lifted and tossed.

It was all a lie wasn’t it?

PR:       Well the important point I was trying to make was that in tossing children into the air it is incumbent upon the tosser to carefully calculate the arc of the toss, the likely descent rate and the landing zone. As a general principle I, and the government of which I was a proud member, did not consider that water was a fit substance into which to toss children.

SF:        Unlike gaol?

PR:       Exactly.

SF:        Finally, how do you rate Australia’s chances of getting elected to the UN Human Rights Council?

PR:       To use a term I hear occasionally in my electorate from those who are educationally challenged, it’s a no brainer. We in this country understand human rights abuses like no other. Why, we even make the Saudis blush.   

Dr Freud’s house call on Malcolm Turnbull

Following his acclaimed interviews with the British Royals, Dr Sigmund Freud arrived in Australia, his first ever visit down-under. Prime Minister Turnbull welcomed him to the newly refurbished Lodge in Canberra.

  

MT:      (Grinning) Welcome Dr Freud, there’s never been a better time to visit Australia.

SF:        Why?

  

MT:      You want to ask why there’s never been a better time to visit Australia?

 

SF:        No, I already have. What’s the answer?

MT:      Well the answer is straightforward. Simply put there’s never been a better time to visit Australia.

 

SF:       That’s not an answer, that’s mere assertion, statement, declaration. I asked you why.

MT:      Well, we have so much to be optimistic about.

SF:        Such as?

MT:      (Turns to adviser) Not a bad question when you think about it. Do you know?

A:         (Beaming). Because you’re Prime Minister, sir, our Mal for all seasons.

  

MT:      Darn it, you’re absolutely right. How unusually modest of me not to think of that. What’s your name? I’ll need to consider a promotion.

A:         It’s Godwin, sir.

SF:        Excuse me, may I interrupt?

MT:      There’s never been a better time to interrupt, Dr Freud.

SF:        What do you think of the advocates of same-sex marriage?

MT:      They should all be sent back to Nauru. Immediately! Oh, sorry, wrong talking point. (Glares at Godwin.)

SF:       Well?

MT:      There’s never been a better time to—

SF:        (Ashen-faced, trembling) Sorry, I just remembered, I have to go to the chemist.

MT:      Well there’s never been … (SF screams, Godwin phones for an ambulance).

I don’t want to be King of Australia, Prince Charles reveals in exclusive interview

Shortly before his departure from London for Australia, Dr Sigmund Freud was granted an audience with His Royal Highness Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, KG, KT, GCB, OM, AK, QSO, PC, ADC, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland.

SF:       You have an awful lot of titles, do you know what they all mean?

HRH:   (Smiling broadly) Bit of a list isn’t it. Still if One lives as long as One has and One doesn’t  have much to do with One’s time, One is inclined to keep One’s eye out for a bargain title if  one comes along as one or sometimes two do quite regularly as a matter of fact.

SF:        I see, forgive my ignorance, I’m not surprised PC is there but what exactly is OM? 

HRH:    Om, om, Good Lord man, you don’t know what Om is? Order of Meditation, thought someone in your profession would be a little more up-to-date.

SF:        I see, and Renfrew, I’m not sure where it is.

HRH:    (Laughing) That makes two of us, but don’t tell the Scots! Somewhere up there One  imagines but One can’t be expected to know where every little pinprick in One’s Empire is,  can One?

SF:        Speaking of Empire what are you feelings about Australia?

HRH:    One will simply never ever forgive those Australians.

SF:        So you feel aggrieved about the possible republic?

HRH:    (Looking puzzled) Eh, what? No, no, no, One couldn’t care less about it, Australia's the last place One wants  to rule over! They had their chance to give One a knighthood and they blew it. Gave it to that  silly old duffer who says he’s One’s father. As if he didn’t have enough gongs already. Just  let One enlighten you on that score: Earl of Merioneth, Baron Greenwich, Extra Knight of the  Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Grand Master and First and Principal  Knight Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Knight of the Order  of Australia, Additional Member of the Order of New Zealand, Royal Chief of the Order of  Logohu, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, Lord High Admiral of the United  Kingdom,blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc. You get the picture?

SF:        One does. If I might turn to current events. What are your views on the refugee crisis?

   

HRH:    The world should take a leaf out of One’s Mother Country’s Book. An unblemished record  of sending the worst of the worst to every corner of the globe pretending it was a civilising  endeavour. By the way, strange saying that, One never realised a globe had corners. So there  you are, One learns something new every day.

SF:        So you’re opposed to any refugee resettlement?

HRH:    Dear-oh-dear man, that’s just what One said. They’re all scallywags. We know!

SF:        What of the European Union?

HRH:    Never tried that position, must ask Camilla. Hope she hasn’t been holding out on One. By the way, when will this be broadcast?

SF:        Very soon.

HRH:    One simply must find One’s tranny.

  

Australia Day Special – The Queen’s Exclusive Interview with Sigmund Freud

SF:      Thank you so much for receiving me Ma’am. How are you?

QE2:    (Sharply) What’s it to you?

SF:       (Taken aback) Well, um, I was just being courteous, enquiring after your well-being.

QE2:    Don’t you know the date?

SF:       (Warily) Of course I do, it’s the 26^th of January.

QE2:    Exactly. Awstralia Day. And you know what happens today. All those Awstralians check my  health.

SF:       That’s kind of them.

QE2:    Nothing of the sort. It’s about gambling.

SF:       Well, Australians do like a flutter, that’s true.

QE2:    But they’re betting on how long I’ll live! Those dreadful republicans want me to die so they can become independent. Such impertinence. Don’t they understand they simply can’t survive without our tutelage? I’d have them all transported if they weren’t already there. What do you suggest I do?

SF:       Open a By Appointment to Her Majesty betting shop?

QE2:    Ha ha, very funny Dr Freud. Prince Charles would just love that, especially short odds. He did a gambling course when he went to school in Awstralia all those years ago. But I have a better idea. I will ban everyone—particularly the Awstralians—from calling me Ma’am. From now on it’s Mum. No one wants their mother to die do they?

SF:       (Hesitantly) I wouldn’t bet on it.

  

North Korea: The Jong and the Restless

Part II of Sigmund Freud’s exclusive interview with Supreme Leader/Marshall/Great Benefactor/Divine Inspiration/Father of Most of the People/He Who is Wise Beyond Belief/Our Dear Pal in High Places, Kim Jong-un.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: You’re back. So soon?

SF: There was trouble at the airport, I never left. Thank you SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP for ensuring I had a cell all to myself. Quite restful. The cigarette burns were a thoughtful touch, helped to keep me warm. But enough about me, how have you been?

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP (sniffling and wiping his eyes on the sleeve of the nearest aide): Terrible, just terrible, I’ve hardly slept since our last interview.

SF: You missed me? Strange way of showing it but that’s cultural diversity for you. I must tell you though, SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP, you’re not really my type.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: You are an ignoramus doctor, besides all the other things. I did not give you one teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy thought as I have been kept awake (his voice chokes and he wipes his eyes again on the aide’s other sleeve) by the dastardly, inhumane, cruel and unusual punishment tactics of those sub-human devils running that part of Our Dear Homeland, correction, My Dear Homeland that is yet to be liberated by the stunningly brave and courageous sons and daughters who will follow me to the death except that I will be commanding them from well back as is my wont.

SF: That’s a very long sentence. Did you know that in spoken language it’s best to keep sentences to an average of about 15 words, as I have just done? Your very title is a hurdle.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: You must help me, you must!

SF: Then what’s the problem and keep it brief.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: Loudspeakers.

SF: You know, you can be too short.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: How dare you make malicious, hurtful, libellous and a generally unwise comments about my stature.

SF (shaking his head): I meant no disrespect. I just need a little more information about the loudspeakers.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: They are on the DMZ, the false border, playing music 24/7. Ever since the glorious 8^th of January when we let off a hydrogenic-cracker to celebrate my birthday they have not stopped playing the song. Round and round it goes, ceaseless, unending, relentless. Oh, if only the swine would bring back the propaganda broadcasts of yesteryear.  

SF: What song?

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP (now blubbering uncontrollably): It’s a small, small world.

SF: One of my favourites, but I always had a soft spot for Disneyland.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP (falling to his knees as his aides flatten themselves on the floor): Please help me, please!

SF (Soothingly and reaching into his briefcase): Of course, of course. Here, take two of these with your evening bottle of cognac. And please, do remember your dreams. They can’t possibly be any wackier than your waking moments.

SLMGBDIFoMotPHWiWBBODPiHP: Don’t bet on that. 

Sigmund Freud interviews Kim Jong-un

SF: Thank you for your time Mr Kim. Before we start could I just say—

(An aide to the North Korean leader clamps her hand over Dr Freud’s mouth and angrily whispers into his ear. Freud’s eyes open wide in fright as he desperately nods).

SF: With my deepest most profound and sincere apologies, Supreme Leader.

SL: That’s better.

SF: I would like to say, on behalf of all freedom loving people of the world, Happy Birthday.

SL: Better still. You will no doubt have observed the complete absence of traffic this morning. Do not for one moment believe the contemptible and vicious untruth that this quietude results from an absence of vehicles or fuel or indeed driving skills. On the contrary, my beloved people are conserving what little energy they have for the grand party I throw every 8 January. It’s the best meal most of them eat for the whole year. Come along and see for yourself.

SF: That’s very kind of you, Supreme Leader, I’ll do my best. Now if I may ask about your new year resolutions.

SL: You may.

(Awkward pause.)

SF: Is it true you resolved to be even more resolute and determined than ever before in fighting the imperialist ambitions of the US military-industrial complex and its lickspittle running dogs?

SL: I don’t know, did I? Sounds like a plan.

SF: Your comments were widely reported in the international media.

SL: I only read the Pyongyang Bugle.

SF: Do you feel fulfilled?

SL: That’s a silly question, who do you think you are? (An aide whispers to him.) Oh, is that right. Well of course I feel fulfilled. Every moment of every day of every year, someone, somewhere in the world is talking about me. Isn’t that a hoot!

SF: But if I might dare to suggest—                                    

SL: That’s not a phrase anyone uses with me after what happened to Uncle Jang!

SF: The Defence Minister?

SL: No, no. That idiot walked in front of an anti-aircraft gun just as it was fired. Uncle Jang fed himself to starving dogs. You know what he’d done?

SF: No.

SL: (Breathes deeply) He came to me one day and said, and I quote, might I dare to suggest we turn our swords into plough shares.

SF: That’s a very famous phrase, there’s something in it you know.

SL: In your dreams.

SF: Well that was going to be my next question. But you have a very busy schedule, we’ll leave it. I wonder if you’d be so kind, though, to make a note of what you dream about before we talk again.

SL: I hope you get to the airport alright.  

50 Shades of Being Disturbed

Saudi Arabia’s executioners got their new year off to a flying start by killing 47 people, including the prominent Shia cleric and critic of the royal family, Sheikh al-Nimr. Not a personal best for the official loppers and shooters, they’d despatched 63 in one day in 1980, but a brutal demonstration that Saudi rulers treat dissent and terrorism as the same capital offence.

Such an obscenity should be a gift to those campaigning to end state-sponsored murder, mass or otherwise. But will it work out that way? The strongest reaction came from the Shia homeland, Iran, engaged in a struggle with the Saudis for regional supremacy and whose record of dubious legal processes and appalling execution rates is even worse. Amnesty International calculates that in the first six months of 2015 Iran executed almost 700 people. This compared to 150+ in Saudi Arabia for the whole year.

The UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said he was ‘deeply dismayed’ by the executions. But perhaps with an eye to oil, arms sales, and Saudi Arabia’s vital role in ‘containing’ Iran, governments who preach hard and long when their own citizens are involved gave the Saudis little pause for thought. The UK said it regularly raised human rights issues with other countries ‘including Saudi Arabia.’ The US state department stated the obvious in that Nimr’s execution risked ‘exacerbating sectarian tensions’. Meanwhile in Australia, Julie Bishop was ‘deeply disturbed’ and Opposition defence spokesman, Stephen Conroy said ‘it was a worry’.

What a pity they couldn’t take a lead from The New York Times editorial headed ‘Saudi Arabia’s Barbaric Executions’.