Dr Sigmund Freud's gallant effort to analyse Donald Trump's inauguration

Among the spectators at Donald Trump’s inauguration was a well-dressed, bespectacled man, wearing a carefully trimmed beard and a severe look. He had been tasked by the International Association of Psychopathology to make sense of the occasion. 

SF: Excuse me madam, but I am enquiring as to the reasons people are in such an exuberant mood today. 

Woman (Looking warily at Freud): Because we all feel great again.

SF: May I ask the factors that have produced this sense of elation?

Woman (Shaking her head in disbelief): We feel great because with President Trump we know exactly where we stand. You could never tell with those horrible Democrats. With Mr Trump, there’s never a doubt. He’s put honesty back into lying, truly a new era for our nation and the world.

SF (Turning to a middle-aged man): And you sir, what brought you here today?

Man (In strong Southern drawl): I just loved The Apprentice. What a show! Couldn’t wait for those words, “You’re fired!” (Chuckles.) That’s exactly what Trump’ll do with world leaders. If they don’t play their part in makin’ America great again then, wait for it … “you’re fired!” Boy-oh-boy.

SF: I am not so sure it will quite work that way. (Speaks to elegantly dressed woman carrying a poodle wearing a Trump cap): And you madam, why are you here today?

Woman: Why that’s easy, I’m so worried about my husband’s hearing.

SF: Could you elaborate?

Woman: Oh my Chuck just loves to go shooting with his buddies—only wild animals of course, isn't that right darling. (She smooches the poodle.) They all come home their ears ringing, they can barely understand a word anyone says.

SF: I’m sorry, I am not quite following you.  

Woman: Oh, you must be a foreigner! But not from Mexico, thank God, your beard’s too neat. It’s just so hard these days for honest, hard-working Americans to buy silencers. It’s alright for Socialists to wear ear-muffs when they go shooting, but no red-blooded American wants to look like Elmer Fudd do they now? Never mind ISIS and Obamacare. It’s a fundamental right for all Americans to carry guns with silencers. And Trump will make that happen.

Freud, looking a little shaken by these encounters, now approaches a thickset man standing by himself, an expensive camera hanging from his neck.

SF: I hope I am not disturbing you, sir, but may I ask what brought you out today?

Man (Speaking in heavily accented English): It’s a wonderful day for our great people. Finally, we have our man in the Whitehouse.

SF: And which part of America are you from?

Man: I am not permitted to say anything more. Please contact my office if you need to discuss further with my superiors. (He hands Freud a name card.) Please note the opening hours of the Russian Embassy are 9am to 4.30pm Monday to Friday. Goodbye.

Australia’s campaign against the death penalty – real or phony?

On 10 October 2016, Australia’s Foreign Minister, Julie Bishop, commemorated World Day Against the Death Penalty with a media release.

Her eyes fixed on Australia’s candidacy for the United Nations Human Rights Council – in which abolition of the death penalty is purportedly a national priority – Minister Bishop said the right things. The penalty constituted cruel, inhuman and degrading punishment regardless of how it was carried out. Given the lack of any ‘credible evidence that it is an effective crime deterrent’ the penalty was senseless. It was ‘regularly associated with miscarriages of justice, the inadvertent execution of innocents, and the disproportionate execution of poor, ethnic and religious minorities’.

All true, and welcome comment for those of us who believe that the death penalty has no place in a world with pretences of civilisation.

Fast forward to 12 December 2016 when Ms Bishop delivered a ‘Human Rights Speech’ to the Lowy Institute for International Policy in Sydney. In forum after forum, the Minister declared, ‘whether in bilateral meetings or in multilateral settings like the United Nations, Australia has argued the case for abolition - with calm, with patience and with determination’.

And, regrettably it seems, with a distinct lack of success.

If 2015 figures are anything to go by, between Ms Bishop’s media release in October 2016 and her Lowy Institute speech two months later some 250 people were executed by governments world-wide. And that figure excludes China, the world’s leading official killer, which treats death penalty data as a state secret.

Perhaps it’s unrealistic to expect a major diplomatic offensive every time someone is executed. But what levers, if any, is the Australian Government pulling to pressure the world’s top five executing states: China, Iran, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and the United States?

Less than a week before Ms Bishop’s Lowy Institute speech, William Sallie was killed by lethal injection in the US state of Georgia. He had been on death row for 25 years. What did the Australian Government say to US governments about Sallie’s execution, or the 18 other executions in the US that preceded it in 2016? Very little it seems, if material I received in response to an earlier FOI request is any guide.

A cable from the Australian Embassy in Washington dated 18 September 2015 advised the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade in Canberra: ‘Since January 2014 we have not made any representations to the US federal government on the death penalty.’

An email from DFAT to the embassy on 10 March 2016 asked: ‘We are responding to a piece of mincor [ministerial correspondence] on the death penalty … just wondering whether there are bilateral representations we could refer to?’ The reply: ‘Nothing at the federal level but a bit at the state level.’

This email exchange hardly suggests an energised, determined effort. The 'bit at state level' in fact was 'in support of foreign nationals, at the request of their governments'. No independent initiative there. Yet six months earlier, in announcing Australia’s candidacy for the UN Human Rights Council, Minister Bishop asserted that Australia would be ‘a strong advocate for global abolition of the death penalty, one of Australia’s core human rights objectives.’

Ben Quilty, Archibald Prize winner and mentor and confidant of Myuran Sukumaran, is currently co-curating an exhibition of Sukumaran's art which coincides with the 50th anniversary of the hanging of Ronald Ryan, the last person executed in Australia. Quilty wrote recently that 2017 was a year for ‘all Australian to stand up … against the death penalty’. Internationally, he claimed, ‘in 2017 we will have the moral high ground, the soapbox, and it should be used’.

Yet if Australia is truly to occupy the moral high ground, if its campaign against the death penalty is to have meaning, its advocacy needs to be more open and consistent. It must be genuinely universal, not mostly reserved for the occasions when Australians are facing the hangman or the swordsman, the bullet or the needle. 

On that, we have a long way to go.   

Breaking News – Kevin Rudd to Run in US Presidential Race

USA Tomorrow, 31 October 2016

Washington is abuzz with the revelation that Kevin Rudd has offered himself as a compromise candidate in next week’s US presidential contest. 

One administration insider described the news as the breakthrough moment American voters had prayed for.

''With Kevin in the race, with the full backing of Botswana and the FBI, voters will feel so much better choosing between Clinton or Trump, knowing there’s now an even worse alternative."

Asked whether it was possible for a someone with Rudd’s background – failed national leader (x2), failed UN Secretary General candidate (x1), non-US citizen (ongoing), megalomaniac (ongoing), our source dismissed these as trifles.

"The point is that Kevin combines all the characteristics we loathe in Hillary and Donald. It’s no mean feat to make them look good but by God he’s done it.''

Mr Rudd was unavailable for interview. His spokeswoman said, ''I am authorised to say that Kev, a humble man of the people, is delighted to step up to the plate, put his shoulder to the wheel as the rubber hits the road and offer to serve the American electors in any capacity as their President with a fresh load of programmatic specificity''.    

The past is a different country – they washed up then

Every day, tens of thousands of people dump on America without saying a word. They open their mouths, it’s true.  But that is for the food consumed off polystyrene plates, often in bilious amounts, using plastic knives and forks, or for the cold or hot drinks guzzled from polystyrene cups.

There’s no more alarming way to see this than to drive across America, which we did a little while ago. In grand hotels and pit-stop motels polystyrene is king. And even though some forms of this ubiquitous, environmentally iniquitous, product are recyclable it mostly goes into the trash, destined for landfill.

The hotel and motel owners (and restaurateurs) of America need only take a peek at Trip Advisor or elsewhere on the Internet to sense the cry for change:

o   ‘Are you serious – polystyrene plates and plastic cutlery at breakfast?!’

o   ‘Polystyrene and plastic cutlery set the standard.’

o   ‘Everything in the dining room was disposable … Nothing cheapens a meal quite so much as using disposable plates and cutlery.’

Billy Connolly joined in the lament against ‘polystyrene plates and plastic cutlery’ writing of his road trip along the famous Route 66.

So what or who’s to blame? Is the food so bad it doesn’t matter what it’s served on? Have the dishwashers of America, threatened with deportation by Donald Trump, gone to ground? Does the fault lie more with Saudi Arabia? Battling Russia and Iran it’s pushed oil prices to record lows. Cheap oil equals cheaper plastic. Why clean up when you can throw away?

No matter how blame is apportioned it's a phenomenon that’s rubbishing America.      

  

Pauline Hanson: ‘Muslims to blame for climate change’

Following a break during the election campaign to ensure his interviews would remain non-partisan, Dr Sigmund Freud met with Senator-elect Pauline Hanson.

SF:        Congratulations Ms Hanson, are you surprised at your success?

PH:       Of course not, what a stupid question. The Strayan people have longed for my return to take the country back to the time when everyone knew where they stood and who they were standing on. A time when things were black and white and there was none of this awful brindlelisation we see all about us 24/7.  

SF:        But aren’t you a product of what you call brindlelisation? Some years ago a DNA test showed your own genetic make-up was drawn from the Middle East, Italy, Greece and Turkey as well as Europe. Makes you a bit of a piebald doesn’t it?  

PH:       Dr Froid, if you think you can show me up as an ignorant hypocrite you’ve got another thing coming. The Strayan people won’t stand idly by while some foreigner with a silly name insults the one person who gives them hope for the future of bigotry.  

SF:        Whatever you might say, Ms Hanson, your electoral appeal remains limited.

PH:       That’s what you think! Straya’s full of people like me. That’s one of our education system’s greatest achievements.

SF:        Why do you hate Muslims so much?

PH:       What planet do you live on Dr Froid? They’re out to get us, to ruin our way of life. Everywhere you go these days there’s a Muslim. And those women in their scary black robes. If there’s not a bomb under them there’s a development proposal for a mosque or a school.

SF:        You do know that Muslims make up only about two per cent of the Australian population?     

PH:       That’s what you say, Dr Froid. That’s why we need a Royal Commission to discover the real true facts, including how Muslims ruin the environment.

SF:        Are you saying that Muslims are responsible for climate change?

PH:       Of course I am. Who else would be? Just have a look at what they’ve done in the Middle East – nothing but sand, barely a tree, no water. It’s a disgrace. And it’ll happen here. Mark my words.

SF:        But most Muslims don’t even live in the Middle East. They live in Pakistan and India and Bangladesh and Indonesia.

PH:       And just look where those countries are, Dr Froid, getting closer and closer to Straya. They’re out to get us and I’m the only person who can stop it.

[SF closes his eyes, shakes his head and is unable to continue.]

Tony Abbott laments the lost art of bribery in an exclusive interview with Sigmund Freud

Resuming his interviews with insignificant Australians, Dr Freud met Tony Abbott soon after the latter revealed he was offered a bribe as he left a glitzy party.

SF: So what was the truth about that $5000? Was it not enough, were the notes dirty, was it all in 5 cent coins?

TA: Well, some of the notes were really grubby. They must have circulated in Labor Party electorates. But it was the principle that forced me to Reject The Bribe.

SF: Principle?

TA: There’s an Art To Bribery. You can’t just say, ‘It’s Not Enough’ or ‘What An Evil’ or ‘Turnbull’s A Grub’.

SF: What on earth are you talking about?

TA:  Bribery, like knighthoods and Eric Abetz, has ancient and dishonourable traditions that must be respected if voters in Manly Warringah are to Have A Future.

SF: Tell me more about these so-called traditions.

TA: You can sneer All You Like! But there’s an etiquette that Must Be Honoured. Bribes should always be given at the beginning of the party, Not The End.

SF: For God’s sake why?

TA: Leave God Alone. You get the envelope as you arrive, you duck into the toilet and do a quick count and that tells you how long you’re expected to stay.

SF: So what’s your going rate?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: How long did you stay at ‘that’ party?

TA: Over Two Hours.

SF: Did you feel cheated?

TA: I Won’t Say.

SF: I’m confused. If it’s all about principle why did you need to consult Senator Heiferman?

TA: Because he, like me, is a Man of Tradition, who respects Ways Long Gone. He also knows a thing or two about what you can Get Away With.

   

SF: When will you ever accept that three word slogans are a stupid way to communicate?

TA: No, They’re Not.

SF: Yes they are.

TA: No, They’re Not. You Use Them.

SF: This Is Stupid.

TA: Ha, Got Cha!

SF: I’m going, I have another interview.

TA: Really, Who With?

SF: Jobson Grothe.

TA (incredulous): Only Two Words. What A Wanker!

'Muslim invasions' and the truth: a warning

Among the alarmist nonsense doing the e-rounds is a piece by someone claiming to be "Marty Skinner, Canadian historian". Here's a follow-up to help "Marty" recover from his deeply addled condition.

 Hi there

Recently I wrote a piece that suggested I knew something about the Middle East and the problems of the Muslim world. I called myself a historian. As I’m sure was obvious to most of you I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m certainly no historian. They do this thing called research which helps them understand the situations they’re writing about. There’s no App for research and you actually have to make the effort of reading and thinking. What a chore! That’s why I make stuff up. I find when I do that people who are even lazier than I am, say, ‘Wow, I didn’t know that and what a clever, brave person you are for drawing it to my attention. So scary!’  

That makes me feel pretty damn good! But it’s mostly a lie. Anyone who believes it is as big an ignoramus as I am. It’s time I came clean.

In case you think I’m being a bit hard on myself here are a few examples from my earlier piece.

-     I said that the Syrian refugee crisis was SUDDEN. That’s only because I just noticed it. And I couldn’t be bothered checking the outflow of refugees from Syria. Turns out that it began in earnest in May 2011. By September 2013 the UN High Commission for Refugees, which I’ve now heard of, put the number of refugees at 2 million (plus another 4 million people who fled their homes but were still inside Syria). Guess where they went? To neighbouring Muslim countries like Jordan, Turkey, Lebanon and even Iraq. Maybe that’s why I missed it because quite frankly those countries mean nothing to me.

-          I also suggested that most of the refugees were young men. That sounds really frightening, like an invasion. Only trouble, it’s nonsense. It’s actually almost a 50/50 split between men and women. I know now it was a bit of a stretch to rely on the ravings of the former Libyan dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, for the invasion story.  

-    I said that countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Bahrain hadn’t taken any refugees at all. That’s absolutely true. What I didn’t say because it would have spoiled the story is that these states are pretty obnoxious and some of their leaders have flirted with ISIS. The refugees are actually trying to get away from ISIS. I guess if I were in their shoes I’d much rather go to Europe too.  

-     I wrote that by 2050 Muslims will be a majority in Europe. Through the wonder of this exciting thing called research I’ve discovered that by 2050 Muslims will actually make up about 10 per cent of the population of Europe. Bit of a difference isn’t there? I probably gave the game away when I wrote that European non-Muslim families have an ‘average’ of 1 to 4 children, compared to 8 for Muslims. Between 1-4 must be the weirdest ‘average’ ever. By the way, the correct figure for Muslims is about 3.  

Finally, a word to my Australian friends. Yes, I know some of you are worried about the ‘Muslim threat’ to Australia. Yes, the world of Islam is occasionally very difficult and it would be good for more Muslims to publicly speak out against the actions of a vicious minority of their co-religionists. I hate to use the research word again but I’ve been actually looking at the figures. A question for you: is the Muslim population of Australia around 2%, 12%, 22%, 32%? It’s not hard to check if you really want to know what’s going on. If you don’t and you’d prefer to stay with my earlier story then I’m afraid you’ll have joined me in the ignorant bigot club.

I’d also add two other points:

-     - Australian children are at greater risk from Christian clergy than they are from ISIS.

-     - The only people who can legitimately ‘Reclaim Australia’ are Indigenous Australians: so most of you better be careful what you wish for or you might end up joining the queue of all those trying to get to Europe!

That’s all for now. What more can I say but that I am really, really sorry. I know you’ll think I’m a clutz and you should. But I am trying to make amends. Please share this with anyone who you think might be interested in the facts.

With apologies again for misleading you.

Marty